Still

Something big happened...no something huge happened, and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend of two years and I broke up this past weekend. I feel as though the world is moving ahead and I'm on pause. Like, I can't be completely HERE because I am in shock and I can't move, I can't think....everything is superficial. I guess this experience has opened me up to a whole new emotion that I hadn't felt in a really long time and had forgotten existed. But the reality is that I am heartbroken, and it is real and it hurts beyond belief. But somehow deep inside me I know this is the way it has to be right now.

On the plus side (as I am struggling to see the good thing about this) is that I can look back on two years full of love, and care and happiness. I am grateful for having been part of such a beautiful process in my life. I am grateful that my pain comes out of all the happiness that we once lived; because I know that everything in the universe is constantly balancing out. This was just our time.

I guess the emptiness really hit me today when I was just alone thinking. He's not here anymore. I still can't fit my head around how that happens...and how we allow for these things to happen. I mean how can someone just leave our life? It's like we've become accustomed to this sort of detachment that we think that if something doesn't work, we can just throw it away, just like that. And the worst thing is that we do it to people. YOU CANT THROW AWAY PEOPLE!
Yet at the same time the struggle and frustration that occurs through a relationship is very real as well, and a many people have told me, there IS a place where you draw the line. But I guess we all decide that ourselves...how much are you willing to give? how hard are you willing to try? But most importantly, how much are you willing to risk for what you want?
I am just in an emotional roller coaster that is impossible to understand right now. Which is why I won't move. I'll just give my self to destiny and let it take me where ever it will.

I am leaving this relationship with a smile on my face and the best memories of my life. Not many people get to say that. At the same time, I leave with the biggest heartbreak and disappointment that we couldn't make it work. We always had that hope though, and at least we can say we tried. I don't think words can explain how I feel because it's something I can't even truly comprehend. All I know is that we all deserve happiness and love, not matter what. And we should never ever have a doubt about something. It's either that we're in it all the way, or not in at all...and that was where we began to fail at the end.

"Whatever you do, do it with your heart" 
I only hope to wake up from this nightmare right now and feel safe again...and I have faith that I will, whether it's tomorrow or months from now, I don't know when, but I'll just look forward to that day. And I'll just have faith that I am where I'm supposed to be and the world will take care of me. and for him, I know someday he will get rewarded for the great person that he is. We all get our heaven or our hell in the end, but we're responsible for that.

And as for right now, all I can do is sit with the pain...and get some comfort from Kahlil Gibran who always says it right: (and this is the second time I post this so you know it's good)....

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. 

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. 

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.