.

I'm trapped. In a place of loneliness, and fear, and depression, and sadness. and it SUCKS. everyday I tell myself: "Today. Today it'll be okay. Today you won't cry. Today you won't look back or reminisce" but I always do. It's uncontrollable, and it happens completely randomly. But at least I see myself, I see my emotions, and I understand that it is a process that I have to go through.


I guess the worst part is just knowing that the fairy tale love I always imagined is false and that love may actually have a completely different meaning than I thought. Before, I thought that love was forever, but now I realize that it is possible to completely forget and stop loving someone. It just takes time. But why? why do we stop loving people? or I guess the better question is how? It's just too complicated to understand. I wish I was still dumb and naive to the realities of love. Everything was so simple that way. Everything was a fairy tale. 


And now I'm here, confused and scared. I don't think I can ever love again. I don't think I can even really think of love right now because I don't know what it is. What I thought it was isn't real, so now I'm left with nothing. or maybe I should say that I'm left with a lesson. who knows. 

Still

Something big happened...no something huge happened, and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend of two years and I broke up this past weekend. I feel as though the world is moving ahead and I'm on pause. Like, I can't be completely HERE because I am in shock and I can't move, I can't think....everything is superficial. I guess this experience has opened me up to a whole new emotion that I hadn't felt in a really long time and had forgotten existed. But the reality is that I am heartbroken, and it is real and it hurts beyond belief. But somehow deep inside me I know this is the way it has to be right now.

On the plus side (as I am struggling to see the good thing about this) is that I can look back on two years full of love, and care and happiness. I am grateful for having been part of such a beautiful process in my life. I am grateful that my pain comes out of all the happiness that we once lived; because I know that everything in the universe is constantly balancing out. This was just our time.

I guess the emptiness really hit me today when I was just alone thinking. He's not here anymore. I still can't fit my head around how that happens...and how we allow for these things to happen. I mean how can someone just leave our life? It's like we've become accustomed to this sort of detachment that we think that if something doesn't work, we can just throw it away, just like that. And the worst thing is that we do it to people. YOU CANT THROW AWAY PEOPLE!
Yet at the same time the struggle and frustration that occurs through a relationship is very real as well, and a many people have told me, there IS a place where you draw the line. But I guess we all decide that ourselves...how much are you willing to give? how hard are you willing to try? But most importantly, how much are you willing to risk for what you want?
I am just in an emotional roller coaster that is impossible to understand right now. Which is why I won't move. I'll just give my self to destiny and let it take me where ever it will.

I am leaving this relationship with a smile on my face and the best memories of my life. Not many people get to say that. At the same time, I leave with the biggest heartbreak and disappointment that we couldn't make it work. We always had that hope though, and at least we can say we tried. I don't think words can explain how I feel because it's something I can't even truly comprehend. All I know is that we all deserve happiness and love, not matter what. And we should never ever have a doubt about something. It's either that we're in it all the way, or not in at all...and that was where we began to fail at the end.

"Whatever you do, do it with your heart" 
I only hope to wake up from this nightmare right now and feel safe again...and I have faith that I will, whether it's tomorrow or months from now, I don't know when, but I'll just look forward to that day. And I'll just have faith that I am where I'm supposed to be and the world will take care of me. and for him, I know someday he will get rewarded for the great person that he is. We all get our heaven or our hell in the end, but we're responsible for that.

And as for right now, all I can do is sit with the pain...and get some comfort from Kahlil Gibran who always says it right: (and this is the second time I post this so you know it's good)....

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. 

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. 

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I Wanna scream so loud for you....

I used to never appreciate the little things about life, including all the people around me and what they did for me. The one person that probably experienced my lack of appreciation more than anyone is my mother.  As a strong woman who has fought through thick and thin, she is a constant example to my life, and an amazing guiding figure to have growing up. She is always supportive and her love is so selfless that I truly believe that as long as I am happy, she will be happy and glad for me, no matter what.


I am writing this because we rarely take the time to acknowledge those around us, much less appreciate the things they do for us; especially to appreciate the person that gave birth to you, that held you inside their body for 9 months, and nursed you as a baby. I think bringing someone else to life is a job that takes the most love out of any other. It's amazing how we often times neglect the people we love/love us the most. I hope everyone takes some time out today to say thank you, and to acknowledge the fact that no matter who you are, you have a mother...and in the end, in one way or another, you owe your life to her. 

Thank you for teaching me to dream, and for constantly being behind me in case I fall. 

I love you

Free

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder 
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger 
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance 
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance 
Never settle for the path of least resistance 
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking,
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making 
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider 
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance 
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance 

Time is a real and constant motion always rolling us along...Tell me who wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone? 

I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance....DANCE!

(Lee Ann Womack)

Owl City said it right:


Wake up on your own
And look around you cuz you’re not alone
Release your high hopes and they’ll survive
Cuz this is the future and you are alive

Dive in and swim away
From your loneliness and miserable days

And when you wake up on your own
Look around you cuz you’re not alone
Let your hopes go and they’ll survive
Cuz this is the future and you are alive
…You’re headed home 

I'm Alive

"So damn easy to say that life's so hard 

Everybody's got their share of battle scars 

As for me, I'd like to thank my lucky stars that I'm alive and well... "

The past couple of weeks have been amazing for me...I have been able to put all my stress aside, be happy, and take it one step at a time :) For one, I had my IB art exam which went really well (I hope!). It was the day after I came back from my meditation retreat so I was extra relaxed and focused in what I was doing.   I was able to express my ideas in a clear way and I truly felt really confident about what I was doing. And now I'm onto the next exams...For the next two weeks I'll be studying studying studying and taking exams exams exams! But thats ok...because I'm SO CLOSE to being done that I just want to get them over with! I'm really happy about how calm I feel about this, and I think a big part of it is that I feel so much more confident in my knowledge and what I can do as a student and a person- and in the grand scheme of things, if I don't get a perfect score, who cares? 


I have also decided not to attend the once-upon-a-time school of my dreams (New College of Florida) and instead, attend the University of Virginia in the fall. As much as it hurts to leave that dream behind, I feel excited over what is coming next, and what great opportunities UVA can bring for me. On top of that, I won't be leaving college with a huggeee student loan to pay off which is also pretty good, and it will give me more options for my choice of graduate school :)
I guess I realized that my happiness will come where ever I take it- for some reason I had associated all my happiness with Florida that I didn't want to even CONSIDER anything else, but things just played out completely different than I had planned. I've realized that I can be just as happy in UVA as Florida, and I can be as successful there too! My happiness is INSIDE OF ME and it is completely separate from any place or school. 
And on the plus side I'll be only 2 hours away from my future niece!! 

"It'd be easy to add up all the pain 

and all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames, dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain--But not me...I'm alive...and today you know that's good enough for me"

(Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews)