A bit nervous....

As someone who has become completely dedicated to my spiritual awakenings, I have decided to go on an "Introduction to Meditation" retreat this weekend. I've been looking forward to this experience for such a long time but now that it's approaching I've become much more nervous. I've never been put in a situation where there is NOTHING to distract me from....myself. Nothing to make my mind of what's really going on inside, who I am, what I want etc. As much as I want to gain a deeper understanding of myself and who I am, I'm still worried about how I will deal with the retreat this weekend. 

Here are some descriptions and guidelines for the retreat, just so you have a better understanding of what I am exposing myself to: 

Daily schedule

4:45 AM Wake-up gong
5:00 AM - 6:00 AM Group meditation
6:00 AM - 6:30 AM Puja chanting
6:30 AM - 6:45 AM Work assignments
7:00 AM - 7:45 AM Breakfast
8:00 AM - 11:00 AM Work period
11:15 AM - 12:00 PM Lunch
1:00 PM - 5:30 PM Personal time/Work period
5:30 PM - 6:30 PM Tea and Dhamma discussion
6:30 PM - 8:00 PM Puja chanting/Group meditation
7:00 PM - 8:00 PM Formal Dhamma talk on Saturdays only
8:00 PM - 9:00 PM Optional meditation

Visitors can expect to help with work for 2-4 hours depending on what needs to be done.

General Guidelines

• Food is not eaten after 12 noon each day. Only tea, juice or soft drinks are consumed after noon. (An evening meal for medical reasons must be approved at the time of registration.) The meals that residents prepare are vegetarian.
• All overnight guests/retreatants/residents must be 18 or older or accompanied by their parent or guardian. (except for the Youth Retreat)
• Abstain from killing, stealing, committing any sexual activity, lying, gossiping, slandering, and using harsh language.
• You may not use a telephone during retreats. When not in retreat, you may use the telephone for a short message using your credit card or by calling collect. Limit your calls to no more than five minutes.
• E-mail and internet access is not available at any time.
• The Bhavana Society is not to be taken as a hotel or recreation center. It is purely a place for serious meditation and Dhamma study.
• Avoid all physical contact except in emergencies.
• If you cannot fully participate in the entire retreat, you will need permission from the leader of the retreat before you can reserve a space to participate.  The guideline to request permission to leave a retreat early:  You will need to contact the monastic leading the retreat and ask permission to leave early before registering (contact our office for details).  If you receive permission from the monastic leading the retreat to leave early, your name would be put on a wait list.  If a space is available the week before the retreat starts, our office will contact you with this information.
• Men should not enter women’s dwellings and women should not enter men’s dwellings, even for loading and unloading vehicles.
• As a matter of respect and etiquette, it is considered inappropriate to point the soles of one’s feet toward a monk, nun or Buddha image. Accordingly, please be aware of your posture in the meditation hall: do not stretch legs out toward the altar and do not lounge or sprawl on the floor.

WOW. It seems so intimidating to read them again even though I already know them. 
So, I'll be leaving on Thursday and coming back home on Sunday. I only have high hopes and a bit of anxiety for my experience. I hope that I am able to reach my goal of internal peace and happiness. I hope that I will learn to relax my brain and mind and live with my heart. I hope I can open myself up to the moment and take it in for what it is. And lastly, I hope that whatever I learn this weekend, I am able to bring back with me and apply it to my everyday life.




"May we be well, happy and peaceful. May no harm come to us. May we always meet with spiritual success.

May we also have patience, courage, understanding, and determination to meet and overcome inevitable difficulties, problems and failures in life. May we always rise above them with morality, integrity, forgiveness, compassion, mindfulness and wisdom."

-Loving Friendliness Meditation: Recitations

Bhante Gunaratana