WOAH... (click the link)

Another day we'll sing about the magic that was you and me

And it's okay, if you had to go away, 
Oh, just remember the telephones, they work both in ways
and the more you follow through
theres always more left over
not too much explaining to do
and if ever ever ever you find your love
I will be your lifeline- I wont ever miss a phone call
but if I never never never never never hear them ring, 
If nothing else, I'll think the bells inside have finally found you someone else 
Well thats okay...cause I'll remember everything you sang.....
Because you and I both loved 
what you and I spoke of
and others can only dream of
Yeah, others can only read of
the love that I love...
(Jason Mraz)

Here's to the end of an amazing period of my life
and the beginning of a new adventure;
I'm open for anything....

Live and learn

Today I realized that life will always give us the medicine we need (in a metaphorical way). Even if we can't see it or truly understand everything we go through, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. And that as much as we try to avoid life's lessons they will always come to us....often times in the worst possible moment of our life. But what can you do? Live and learn.
It seems simple but it's incredibly hard...because many times we don't even see or understand the lesson being taught, but it's there...and we're responsible for leaning.
and slowly as I go through my process of life, I am living and learning. just that. and I know that everything that happens today affects tomorrow and that through the many lessons we are taught we can reach a certain level of enlightenment. That is, if we chose to. It is always important to remain positive and never lose our faith.
I am going through a horrible time in my life where even my own mother told me not to count on her.... As much as it hurts everyday and as upsetting as that may be, without my faith I have nothing. And I will never stop working towards a brighter and better tomorrow.
"Be...and this too shall pass"

.

I'm trapped. In a place of loneliness, and fear, and depression, and sadness. and it SUCKS. everyday I tell myself: "Today. Today it'll be okay. Today you won't cry. Today you won't look back or reminisce" but I always do. It's uncontrollable, and it happens completely randomly. But at least I see myself, I see my emotions, and I understand that it is a process that I have to go through.


I guess the worst part is just knowing that the fairy tale love I always imagined is false and that love may actually have a completely different meaning than I thought. Before, I thought that love was forever, but now I realize that it is possible to completely forget and stop loving someone. It just takes time. But why? why do we stop loving people? or I guess the better question is how? It's just too complicated to understand. I wish I was still dumb and naive to the realities of love. Everything was so simple that way. Everything was a fairy tale. 


And now I'm here, confused and scared. I don't think I can ever love again. I don't think I can even really think of love right now because I don't know what it is. What I thought it was isn't real, so now I'm left with nothing. or maybe I should say that I'm left with a lesson. who knows. 

Still

Something big happened...no something huge happened, and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend of two years and I broke up this past weekend. I feel as though the world is moving ahead and I'm on pause. Like, I can't be completely HERE because I am in shock and I can't move, I can't think....everything is superficial. I guess this experience has opened me up to a whole new emotion that I hadn't felt in a really long time and had forgotten existed. But the reality is that I am heartbroken, and it is real and it hurts beyond belief. But somehow deep inside me I know this is the way it has to be right now.

On the plus side (as I am struggling to see the good thing about this) is that I can look back on two years full of love, and care and happiness. I am grateful for having been part of such a beautiful process in my life. I am grateful that my pain comes out of all the happiness that we once lived; because I know that everything in the universe is constantly balancing out. This was just our time.

I guess the emptiness really hit me today when I was just alone thinking. He's not here anymore. I still can't fit my head around how that happens...and how we allow for these things to happen. I mean how can someone just leave our life? It's like we've become accustomed to this sort of detachment that we think that if something doesn't work, we can just throw it away, just like that. And the worst thing is that we do it to people. YOU CANT THROW AWAY PEOPLE!
Yet at the same time the struggle and frustration that occurs through a relationship is very real as well, and a many people have told me, there IS a place where you draw the line. But I guess we all decide that ourselves...how much are you willing to give? how hard are you willing to try? But most importantly, how much are you willing to risk for what you want?
I am just in an emotional roller coaster that is impossible to understand right now. Which is why I won't move. I'll just give my self to destiny and let it take me where ever it will.

I am leaving this relationship with a smile on my face and the best memories of my life. Not many people get to say that. At the same time, I leave with the biggest heartbreak and disappointment that we couldn't make it work. We always had that hope though, and at least we can say we tried. I don't think words can explain how I feel because it's something I can't even truly comprehend. All I know is that we all deserve happiness and love, not matter what. And we should never ever have a doubt about something. It's either that we're in it all the way, or not in at all...and that was where we began to fail at the end.

"Whatever you do, do it with your heart" 
I only hope to wake up from this nightmare right now and feel safe again...and I have faith that I will, whether it's tomorrow or months from now, I don't know when, but I'll just look forward to that day. And I'll just have faith that I am where I'm supposed to be and the world will take care of me. and for him, I know someday he will get rewarded for the great person that he is. We all get our heaven or our hell in the end, but we're responsible for that.

And as for right now, all I can do is sit with the pain...and get some comfort from Kahlil Gibran who always says it right: (and this is the second time I post this so you know it's good)....

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. 

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. 

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I Wanna scream so loud for you....

I used to never appreciate the little things about life, including all the people around me and what they did for me. The one person that probably experienced my lack of appreciation more than anyone is my mother.  As a strong woman who has fought through thick and thin, she is a constant example to my life, and an amazing guiding figure to have growing up. She is always supportive and her love is so selfless that I truly believe that as long as I am happy, she will be happy and glad for me, no matter what.


I am writing this because we rarely take the time to acknowledge those around us, much less appreciate the things they do for us; especially to appreciate the person that gave birth to you, that held you inside their body for 9 months, and nursed you as a baby. I think bringing someone else to life is a job that takes the most love out of any other. It's amazing how we often times neglect the people we love/love us the most. I hope everyone takes some time out today to say thank you, and to acknowledge the fact that no matter who you are, you have a mother...and in the end, in one way or another, you owe your life to her. 

Thank you for teaching me to dream, and for constantly being behind me in case I fall. 

I love you

Free

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder 
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger 
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance 
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance 
Never settle for the path of least resistance 
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking,
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making 
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out reconsider 
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance 
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance 

Time is a real and constant motion always rolling us along...Tell me who wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone? 

I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance....DANCE!

(Lee Ann Womack)